3 Ways to Toddler Survival
The dictionary definition of toddler is a young child who is just beginning to walk.
The realistic definition of toddler is:
"Correct your son, and he will give you comfort; He will also delight your soul." Proverbs 29:17
May God help us to use our early opportunities wisely!
After the ethereal period of several months with our newborn miracle, suddenly it's as if someone hijacked our angel and replaced him with something possessed. This period supposedly lasts somewhere between 12 and 36 months. Let's just say it's a roller-coaster! Just when we think we've had all we can stand, our little pumpkin will do or say the cutest thing we have ever seen. While living through this period, I've told my children many times, "You'd better be glad you're cute!"
Toddlers have approached a unique period when they are experiencing and learning about the world for the first time. Every single minute they are learning and assimilating facts, ideas, theories, concepts, etc. And this is all good! It IS good, but it is also exhausting. Because, you see, the methods of learning employed by the toddler lead to parents who are one nerve short of the funny farm!
I guess what I'm trying to say is that many, many minutes of a waking toddler's life include correction or deliberate discipling by his parents. Let's just be honest, constant correction can be draining. That was probably one reason I broke down in tears when the doctor told me I was pregnant with number four. I had flashbacks of my toddlers in constant motion and testing, testing, testing. Also, the POTTY TRAINING. Ugh. (Keep reading for tips about this!)
So since our tiring toddlers are constantly requiring our attention as well as our correction, it would be a DELIGHTFUL idea to try to decrease the number of times the undesirable interactions occur in a day. Don't you agree? Just imagine all of the cross-word puzzles, knitting, cooking, and general saving-of-the-world you could peacefully and continuously do if your rugrat weren't consuming every single solitary second.
Here are a few ways to decrease the number of unpleasant interactions you have with your child on a daily basis.
1. Quick and Efficient Discipline
If we are serious about decreasing the number of negative interactions we have with our toddlers, then we need to commit to consistent, quick, efficient discipline. And yes, here is where we get to the "spanking" part. You all have been waiting with baited breath, right? HA! I realize this is a controversial subject, and that's okay. Just read, and then make a judgement.
Because we are human, we get worn down when we get overcommitted, overwhelmed, and tired. That's just the way it is. If there was a way to not get so overwhelmed and tired, would we take it? I hope we would! Keep reading in order to take advantage of this idea!
Quick and efficient discipline means getting straight to the solution of a problem without a lot of agonizing. When we've told our toddler not to touch something, and he turns around and looks at us as he ever so slowly inches his hand towards the object, then he is looking to experience "natural causes" for his behavior. What? A slap on the bottom (or the hand) is natural causes???? You think I've lost my marbles.
Think of it this way. What happens when Little Suzie touches a hot stove? She immediately gets burned. Does she decide to touch the stove 10 minutes later? Uh, she doesn't touch the stove for 10 YEARS after that. That solved the problem of Little Suzie touching the stove.
What happens to Little Suzie when she stands up in her high chair and leans over to look at the cat? She falls on her head. Assuming she survives, does she stand up in her high chair at the next meal? I bet you a million dollars she doesn't. That solved the problem of Little Suzie standing up in her high chair.
These are examples of what I mean by natural causes. The toddler experiences the negative effects of the laws of nature when he doesn't keep his hand away from the stove or sit down in his high chair. He has experienced quick and efficient discipline.
Therefore, when Little Suzie slowly and deliberately touches the item we specifically told her NOT to touch (defiance), and we cause an unpleasant sensation to occur, then Little Suzie is very unlikely to touch that object again. Implementing this method helps her to learn that it is NOT a good idea to 1) touch the object, 2) disobey her parents. We are also most importantly establishing authority which is the number one goal. (For more on this click here.) Our children need to learn as early as possible that we, the parents, are their authority just as God is our authority.
Just as the laws of nature dictate consequences, so too our parental "laws" should dictate consequences. This is a natural method of discipline that reinforces the way God created our world. Do you see how this could drastically reduce constant correction? Yippeeee! Then we can move on to more fun and positive adventures.
Am I suggesting that we go around making arbitrary laws waiting for our little ones to break them? Should we jump at the chance to "show 'em who's boss?" Should our favorite word be "No?" Of course not. Overuse can lead to ineffectiveness.
The best way to implement spanking is to use it only when:
Throughout my parenting, I have regularly found with each of my children that their behavior went in cycles. They would be perfect little angels, then over a few months they would begin acting up or disobeying until at some point I said they were practically "begging for a spanking." They would receive their punishment and be back to little angels until the next time it was clear that they had once again become beggars.
"He who withholds his rod hates his son, But he who loves him disciplines him diligently." Proverbs 13:24
Consistent, quick, and effective discipline with our young children is a show of love that can relieve us of innumerable headaches in our future. Consider the words of Dr. James Dobson in his book entitled Dare to Discipline, a MUST READ.
"When a parent loses the early confrontations with the child, the later conflicts become harder to win. The parent who never wins, who is too weak or too tired or too busy to win, is making a costly mistake that will come back to haunt him during the child's adolescence." -Dr. James Dobson
I watch people with their toddlers and think how EASY it would be to discipline them quickly and efficiently when they are so moldable and eager for instruction. And I want to shout, "DO IT NOW! PLEASE DO IT NOW!" As Grandma would say, "A ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure." Well I say, "A ounce of prevention is worth a TON of cure." We shouldn't miss this opportunity.
For the how to's and how NOT to's on spanking, read Parenting by the Book: Biblical Wisdom for Raising You Child by John Rosemond. It's an excellent book that covers many topics.
2. Fun Redirection
Is spanking the only way to get your point across? Is it always the thing to do? No. Sometimes your little sweet cheeks just needs a break. Is it nap time? Did he just get his booster shots? Has he been sick? Have things been thrown off kilter? It happens. These are examples of times when we can make things easier for our child.
Let's say one or more of the above sort of things has happened during the day, and now it is dinnertime. Your precious pumpkin is refusing to eat and teetering toward a meltdown. Instead of berating, spanking, or sending your toddler to bed with no supper, try some fun redirection. Speak in a low, calm voice and make up a little story about how the choo-choo train needs to get to the station. (You know, Grandma's old trick. Wink, wink.) With a tiny amount of food on the spoon, choo choo that "train" right up to Jonny's mouth. This worked so many times at our house. Why? Because now it wasn't so much about eating the undesirable dinner or a battle of wills, it was playtime with Mommy! And there was MUCH elation and praising when the first, second, and third bites went down. We even had airplanes that zoomed into the mouths. Be warned, if this is something you do EVERY night and your child expects it, it doesn't work. In general, you should expect your child to eat his dinner, but occasionally a little coaxing can be effective and relieving for everyone involved.
When my children were toddlers and Pre-K, I found that oftentimes when they would get a little rowdy or disruptive that they just needed a little attention. If I were busy most of the day shopping, cleaning, cooking, or feeding, burping, diapering, and rocking the baby, I might unintentionally neglect the more independent child. (Whoops.) Just sitting down for a few minutes to snuggle or read a book or play a quick game would many times "do the trick" so that he was off on more adventures on his own. Sometimes he just needed some new ideas of what to do. Breaking out the Play-dough, bubbles or some Little People might be the perfect solution. Redirection in place of harsh discipline sometimes will be all it takes to get an active munchkin back on track.
I know what you're thinking. "It's not that simple!" I admit, it isn't always easy. We must commit to being persistent in discipling because it's worth it. Even though it may seem hard to hold our kids consistently accountable early on when they defy us or misbehave, we will definitely be happy with the results when we do.
3. Avoiding the Battle of Wills
If any humans on the planet can be strong willed, it's the toddlers! They are figuring out that they are NOT their mother. They are actually their own independent little person who can decide to do or not to do what we ask. Oooo funnnnnn, NOT. Here are some situations that can turn into a battle of wills and how to avoid them.
When my oldest was 2, closer to 3, it was time to potty-train because I was expecting his little sister. I absolutely dreaded it. I'd heard the horror stories and knew it was going to take a lot of dedicated work. A friend of mine told me about a book that explained how to potty train your child in a day. What? Seriously? I was all about that! I borrowed the book and set aside a day to do nothing but potty train. So let's say first, my child was PLENTY old enough to do this, and he could also maneuver his clothes easily. I had waited until he was definitely ready in order to make it easier for me when I did. This, as well as his personality, may have had an effect on my results.
I followed the book. We stayed home all day and dedicated our day to potty training. I let him wear his shirt with only underwear (not pull-ups) for the day. I put the potty chair in the kitchen and gave him MANY drinks in order to have lots of opportunities. Every time he was successful, he received a small candy. It was wildly successful. But the genius part was at the end of the day.
At the end of the day after A LOT of training with success, I told him that he was now a "big boy" who knew how to go to the potty like Mommy and Daddy. Then I asked him if he was ready to wear big boy underwear and no more diapers. He was hesitant. Then I told him that HE DIDN'T HAVE TO IF HE WASN'T READY. I know, crazy, huh? After all that work! I told him that he knew how to be a big boy and wear big boy underwear and that when he was ready just to let me know.
I'm not going to lie. It seemed weird to give my two-year-old the full reins of when he would decide to ditch the diapers. How long would I have to wait? I needed to get this kid in underwear before the next baby showed up. But I was avoiding the battle of wills- my will to get him in underwear against his will to stay in diapers. And since I can't control his bladder (and bowels). . . it was really up to him.
I waited approximately a week. Then one day he said he was ready to wear underwear and that child never had an accident. WOW. I loved it. It was amazing. I gave HIM the choice since he was the only one able to make it anyway, and voila'- DONE.
Toddlers can definitely be a challenge. They are learning so much in such a short amount of time that it can take an abundance of energy as well as patience. As we disciple our children day after day, it can get overwhelming. Just know that there is hope. This period won't last forever! Enjoy the bright spots, and be persistent in changing negative behaviors. As challenging as the toddler years can be, they provide the opportunities for building a positive, loving foundation for a lifelong relationship that can be a comfort and delight to our soul!
I guess what I'm trying to say is that many, many minutes of a waking toddler's life include correction or deliberate discipling by his parents. Let's just be honest, constant correction can be draining. That was probably one reason I broke down in tears when the doctor told me I was pregnant with number four. I had flashbacks of my toddlers in constant motion and testing, testing, testing. Also, the POTTY TRAINING. Ugh. (Keep reading for tips about this!)
So since our tiring toddlers are constantly requiring our attention as well as our correction, it would be a DELIGHTFUL idea to try to decrease the number of times the undesirable interactions occur in a day. Don't you agree? Just imagine all of the cross-word puzzles, knitting, cooking, and general saving-of-the-world you could peacefully and continuously do if your rugrat weren't consuming every single solitary second.
Here are a few ways to decrease the number of unpleasant interactions you have with your child on a daily basis.
1. Quick and Efficient Discipline
If we are serious about decreasing the number of negative interactions we have with our toddlers, then we need to commit to consistent, quick, efficient discipline. And yes, here is where we get to the "spanking" part. You all have been waiting with baited breath, right? HA! I realize this is a controversial subject, and that's okay. Just read, and then make a judgement.
Because we are human, we get worn down when we get overcommitted, overwhelmed, and tired. That's just the way it is. If there was a way to not get so overwhelmed and tired, would we take it? I hope we would! Keep reading in order to take advantage of this idea!
Quick and efficient discipline means getting straight to the solution of a problem without a lot of agonizing. When we've told our toddler not to touch something, and he turns around and looks at us as he ever so slowly inches his hand towards the object, then he is looking to experience "natural causes" for his behavior. What? A slap on the bottom (or the hand) is natural causes???? You think I've lost my marbles.
Think of it this way. What happens when Little Suzie touches a hot stove? She immediately gets burned. Does she decide to touch the stove 10 minutes later? Uh, she doesn't touch the stove for 10 YEARS after that. That solved the problem of Little Suzie touching the stove.What happens to Little Suzie when she stands up in her high chair and leans over to look at the cat? She falls on her head. Assuming she survives, does she stand up in her high chair at the next meal? I bet you a million dollars she doesn't. That solved the problem of Little Suzie standing up in her high chair.
These are examples of what I mean by natural causes. The toddler experiences the negative effects of the laws of nature when he doesn't keep his hand away from the stove or sit down in his high chair. He has experienced quick and efficient discipline.
Therefore, when Little Suzie slowly and deliberately touches the item we specifically told her NOT to touch (defiance), and we cause an unpleasant sensation to occur, then Little Suzie is very unlikely to touch that object again. Implementing this method helps her to learn that it is NOT a good idea to 1) touch the object, 2) disobey her parents. We are also most importantly establishing authority which is the number one goal. (For more on this click here.) Our children need to learn as early as possible that we, the parents, are their authority just as God is our authority.
Just as the laws of nature dictate consequences, so too our parental "laws" should dictate consequences. This is a natural method of discipline that reinforces the way God created our world. Do you see how this could drastically reduce constant correction? Yippeeee! Then we can move on to more fun and positive adventures.
Am I suggesting that we go around making arbitrary laws waiting for our little ones to break them? Should we jump at the chance to "show 'em who's boss?" Should our favorite word be "No?" Of course not. Overuse can lead to ineffectiveness.
The best way to implement spanking is to use it only when:
- Rules have been firmly established beforehand
- The child's behavior is defiant
- Child is age 10 and under
Throughout my parenting, I have regularly found with each of my children that their behavior went in cycles. They would be perfect little angels, then over a few months they would begin acting up or disobeying until at some point I said they were practically "begging for a spanking." They would receive their punishment and be back to little angels until the next time it was clear that they had once again become beggars.
"He who withholds his rod hates his son, But he who loves him disciplines him diligently." Proverbs 13:24
Consistent, quick, and effective discipline with our young children is a show of love that can relieve us of innumerable headaches in our future. Consider the words of Dr. James Dobson in his book entitled Dare to Discipline, a MUST READ.
"When a parent loses the early confrontations with the child, the later conflicts become harder to win. The parent who never wins, who is too weak or too tired or too busy to win, is making a costly mistake that will come back to haunt him during the child's adolescence." -Dr. James Dobson
I watch people with their toddlers and think how EASY it would be to discipline them quickly and efficiently when they are so moldable and eager for instruction. And I want to shout, "DO IT NOW! PLEASE DO IT NOW!" As Grandma would say, "A ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure." Well I say, "A ounce of prevention is worth a TON of cure." We shouldn't miss this opportunity.
For the how to's and how NOT to's on spanking, read Parenting by the Book: Biblical Wisdom for Raising You Child by John Rosemond. It's an excellent book that covers many topics.
2. Fun Redirection
Is spanking the only way to get your point across? Is it always the thing to do? No. Sometimes your little sweet cheeks just needs a break. Is it nap time? Did he just get his booster shots? Has he been sick? Have things been thrown off kilter? It happens. These are examples of times when we can make things easier for our child.
Let's say one or more of the above sort of things has happened during the day, and now it is dinnertime. Your precious pumpkin is refusing to eat and teetering toward a meltdown. Instead of berating, spanking, or sending your toddler to bed with no supper, try some fun redirection. Speak in a low, calm voice and make up a little story about how the choo-choo train needs to get to the station. (You know, Grandma's old trick. Wink, wink.) With a tiny amount of food on the spoon, choo choo that "train" right up to Jonny's mouth. This worked so many times at our house. Why? Because now it wasn't so much about eating the undesirable dinner or a battle of wills, it was playtime with Mommy! And there was MUCH elation and praising when the first, second, and third bites went down. We even had airplanes that zoomed into the mouths. Be warned, if this is something you do EVERY night and your child expects it, it doesn't work. In general, you should expect your child to eat his dinner, but occasionally a little coaxing can be effective and relieving for everyone involved.When my children were toddlers and Pre-K, I found that oftentimes when they would get a little rowdy or disruptive that they just needed a little attention. If I were busy most of the day shopping, cleaning, cooking, or feeding, burping, diapering, and rocking the baby, I might unintentionally neglect the more independent child. (Whoops.) Just sitting down for a few minutes to snuggle or read a book or play a quick game would many times "do the trick" so that he was off on more adventures on his own. Sometimes he just needed some new ideas of what to do. Breaking out the Play-dough, bubbles or some Little People might be the perfect solution. Redirection in place of harsh discipline sometimes will be all it takes to get an active munchkin back on track.
I know what you're thinking. "It's not that simple!" I admit, it isn't always easy. We must commit to being persistent in discipling because it's worth it. Even though it may seem hard to hold our kids consistently accountable early on when they defy us or misbehave, we will definitely be happy with the results when we do.
3. Avoiding the Battle of Wills
If any humans on the planet can be strong willed, it's the toddlers! They are figuring out that they are NOT their mother. They are actually their own independent little person who can decide to do or not to do what we ask. Oooo funnnnnn, NOT. Here are some situations that can turn into a battle of wills and how to avoid them.
- Temper tantrums. As I've mentioned in an earlier blog, when your child throws a fit, walk away. Yes, even if you are in the grocery store. I'm sure your little dear will find you at the end of the aisle when they realize that they really can't live without you. When you walk away the child is forced to stop screaming (because no one is listening), realize you don't pay attention to such foolishness, and try another tactic such as speaking like a sane person.
- Nap time. Your youngster is SURE he's not sleepy. He "doesn't NEED a nap." Well, YOU need him to have a nap. Am I right? Amen to 2 minutes of peace and quiet (or just going to the toilet!) My cousin just revealed the secret to this battle. She is the director of a daycare, so SHE KNOWS. Tell your little muffin that he DOESN'T HAVE TO go to sleep, but that he just needs to rest his body. (You think I have it out for you now. Didn't we just say you needed peace and quiet? Just hear me out.) This gives him some power in knowing that he DOESN'T HAVE TO sleep. Tell him he has to close his mouth and rest his body, but it is not necessary to sleep. Then, place your hand on his back or shoulder for a few minutes without speaking. Let him relax knowing that you are there but that he DOESN'T HAVE TO sleep. Also recommended, hold your palm a few inches from his face for a few minutes and watch him relax. (I see this as a conditioning exercise. After a while your toddler will respond quickly as his brain tells him that the palm equates to sleep.)
- Potty Training. I told you I would get here. This is simply a decision of will on the part of our children. We cannot control their bladders for them. This situation is completely in their hands once we have given clear instructions. So, what can we do to make this process as painless as possible for them as well as ourselves? . . . I know! Pick me!
I followed the book. We stayed home all day and dedicated our day to potty training. I let him wear his shirt with only underwear (not pull-ups) for the day. I put the potty chair in the kitchen and gave him MANY drinks in order to have lots of opportunities. Every time he was successful, he received a small candy. It was wildly successful. But the genius part was at the end of the day.
At the end of the day after A LOT of training with success, I told him that he was now a "big boy" who knew how to go to the potty like Mommy and Daddy. Then I asked him if he was ready to wear big boy underwear and no more diapers. He was hesitant. Then I told him that HE DIDN'T HAVE TO IF HE WASN'T READY. I know, crazy, huh? After all that work! I told him that he knew how to be a big boy and wear big boy underwear and that when he was ready just to let me know.
I'm not going to lie. It seemed weird to give my two-year-old the full reins of when he would decide to ditch the diapers. How long would I have to wait? I needed to get this kid in underwear before the next baby showed up. But I was avoiding the battle of wills- my will to get him in underwear against his will to stay in diapers. And since I can't control his bladder (and bowels). . . it was really up to him.
I waited approximately a week. Then one day he said he was ready to wear underwear and that child never had an accident. WOW. I loved it. It was amazing. I gave HIM the choice since he was the only one able to make it anyway, and voila'- DONE.
Toddlers can definitely be a challenge. They are learning so much in such a short amount of time that it can take an abundance of energy as well as patience. As we disciple our children day after day, it can get overwhelming. Just know that there is hope. This period won't last forever! Enjoy the bright spots, and be persistent in changing negative behaviors. As challenging as the toddler years can be, they provide the opportunities for building a positive, loving foundation for a lifelong relationship that can be a comfort and delight to our soul!
"Correct your son, and he will give you comfort; He will also delight your soul." Proverbs 29:17
May God help us to use our early opportunities wisely!
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