Who's on First? What's on Second? I Don't Know's on Third

My mother- and father-in-law had 21 children. Did you gasp? Are you waiting for the catch? Well, most people gasp, but there is no catch. They absolutely had 21 children. And you are wondering how. Well, way before Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar were even born, Phil and Carole Judd had started their soon-to-be enormous family. They were happy to welcome eight biological children into their lives and would have probably had more until little Jessie weighed in at 1 lb. 9 oz. back in 1981. (She's alive and well with a beautiful family of her own now!) After that time Phil and Carole adopted, fostered, and were willed (yes, "willed," as in after the death of someone) many children from various backgrounds and locations. All of their former foster children have since been adopted totaling twenty-one bona fide children. (Y'all should come over for Christmas sometime. I mean, we wouldn't even know you were there!) I think they may have been attempting to reach "Cheaper by the Two Dozen" status.

If you are like most people, you are wondering about the logistics of how all of this could work. I know, it is mind-blogging. The children currently range from 52 to 15 years of age. My husband, Trey, is the oldest son. Being the first daughter-in-law, I have had the benefit of watching the acquisition, parenting, and maturation of many of these beloved children. It has been an honor to see the love and care poured into so many who may or may not have had much of a chance in this life without the sacrifice of my father- and mother-in-law. Just being privy to the knowledge and experience of a godly couple with so many children has been of great benefit. When I have a question about parenting, guess who I call! The wisdom of a Christian mother like Carole is a rare and precious gift.

One of my mother-in-laws famous sayings is "If you want to love your children, love your spouse." And she is right. But HOW IN THE WORLD did she have time to love her husband with so many children to care for? What does that even mean?? How can we, who are surely saddled with fewer children, even be expected to have a decent conversation after a long day of work, running the kids, making dinner, doing homework, giving baths, etc? Do we look like Wonder Woman? (Well, actually. . . I'm glad you noticed.) Sometimes the stress, activities, and daily grind can leave very little of us for our spouse. This should not be! And a wise woman knows this.

Even with all of those children and all the responsibilities that come with having them, Carole knew that loving her spouse was a priority. She TOLD her children that their father had priority over them. WHAT? Are you gasping again? From what I've noticed about society these days, you probably are. Society is telling us that our children are number one and should be treated as such, even to the detriment of our marriages. Friends, this is not true.

Let's see what God has to say about this.


God is first.

God has declared all throughout the Bible that He must be first. He is a jealous God.

3 “You shall have no other gods before Me." Exodus 20:3

26 “If anyone comes to Me, and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be My disciple." Luke 14:26

God clearly intends for us as his disciples to put Him first. So, we have to hate our parents, our spouse, our children and ourselves? This "hate" word is used in comparison to our love for God. It is meant to show the extreme height of our love for God above that of our family. We see elsewhere in scripture that we are commanded to love each other as Christ has loved us. (John 13:34-35) In Luke, Jesus is saying that we must count the cost of being his disciple and be willing to give up everything, even our family whom we love, for him. We must put God first.

Spouse is second.

God made man. Then God made woman to be his helpmeet or helper, assistant, supporter, and friend. As we have said before, when kids come along, there is A LOT to attend to. No matter how many or what ages, we can find ourselves tied up in our children's activities from now 'til doomsday! So, how are we expected to be our spouse's helper? Let's see.

18" Then the Lord God said, 'It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him.'. . . 21 So the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and he slept; then He took one of his ribs and closed up the flesh at that place. 22 The Lord God fashioned into a woman the rib which He had taken from the man, and brought her to the man. 23 The man said,

'This is now bone of my bones,
And flesh of my flesh;
She shall be called Woman,
Because she was taken out of Man.'

24 For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh." Genesis 2:18-24

Whoa. God designed woman specifically for man to be his helper. This is an extremely unique relationship. Unlike God's relationship with man (one of God as the superior,) or man's relationship with his children (one of man as the superior), this is the only relationship that results in one flesh. This new entity should take precedence over other relationships as mentioned in verse 24. How can it not since we are one? Or undivided? If you cut a human in half, what do you get? Not two humans. You get a dead human. I'd say keeping the human intact is the priority!

Undivided. This is a magnificent concept. How can we be united, or undivided, as a couple? It is this for which we strive. Are we striving? Are we successful? This takes work. It takes effort. It takes time. We MUST find the time, effort, and energy to pour into this relationship. More about this below. Our marriage is our most important earthly relationship.


Children are third.

Children are a gift from God. They are the product of the special relationship between the husband and wife.

6 "Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 2 Honor your father and mother (which is the first commandment with a promise), 3 so that it may be well with you, and that you may live long on the earth." Eph. 6:1-3

6 "Train up a child in the way he should go,
Even when he is old he will not depart from it." Prov. 22:6

Children are subordinate to their parents. They are commanded to obey and honor their parents. Parents are commanded to "train" their children. This is not a relationship of peers or coequals; parents are in authority over their children. This relationship can be considered similar to our relationship with God. Our children are our disciples, just as we are disciples of God/Christ. Although our children come from our flesh and have a mixture of our genes, they are not "one flesh" with us as is a spouse. Being a parent is an extremely important responsibility that we DO NOT want to take lightly, (thus, the reason for this blog!)

But I'm afraid that along the way, we've emphasized the parent-child relationship to the detriment of the husband-wife relationship. As they say, "The squeaky wheel gets the grease," and children are awfully squeaky! With all of the pressures of today's world, parents have bought into the idea that more is better. We need to do MORE for our children. The little darlings must be involved in every possible activity, finish every project and assignment with our help, and never be expected to be inconvenienced by becoming too independent. Before we know it, we, the parents, are actually the subservient ones in the relationship! Whaaaa? Who's training whom?

I UNDERSTAND that children take up a lot of time. Just ask Carole, she knows. But we must make our marriages a priority in order to disciple and train our offspring in God's will. When we do, we are modeling God's plan to our children. We are training them to see how a family is designed to work. When we have a united front, our children feel safe and secure. When we have a close bond, our children are more likely to carry this into their own marital relationships.

So, HOW? How and when can we make that happen? My husband tells me that regularly his parents would put he and his siblings to bed (of course, they were old enough to stay home alone,) and then head out to play tennis or go bowling. Did they really "play tennis?" Who knows. Who CARES! They were intent on keeping their marriage alive through 21 children.

They would find opportunities to run errands together, go Christmas shopping together, take get-aways without the kids, etc. Because, Lord knows, you actually have to LEAVE THE HOUSE to get any uninterrupted spouse time. Can I hear an "Amen?" When the children would complain about what was for dinner, Carole would say, "I cook for your father." If one of the kids was in trouble with one parent, they were definitely in trouble with the other! I'm pretty sure they all knew where they stood on the relationship chain.

Ways to Make Our Marriage a Priority

1. Make time daily for your spouse. I KNOW it sounds impossible. My husband and I made a point early on to put the kids to bed, or send them upstairs at a set time every night. When they were little, it was eight o'clock. This gave us time every night to look at each other. Crazy, right? We could have conversations away from little ears. Or we could just veg out without refereeing or jumping up and down attending to little people's needs.

2. Make goals together.  There is almost nothing that brings two people closer together than working toward a common goal. Whether it is physical, financial, or spiritual, working together as a couple can really help strengthen your bond. I will never forget the months and months my husband and I spent putting in the shared work of obliterating our debts. God was with us. It was incredible for our relationship.

3. Send love notes. Things can get really hectic over the course of a day or a week. This is where texting can be magical. Drop a little note anytime to your loved one for no reason at all just to let them know they are special.

4. Have regular dates. It may seem impossible, but it isn't. Whether it's monthly, bimonthly, or weekly, dates need to be a regular part of our schedules. This is a time when we can remember that we are more than an employee or a parent. We are part of a special entity which needs deliberate attention. Back when we were flat broke, we would scrape up a few dollars to share a meal out. Afterwards we would hit up the bookstore for FREE. ;)

A few weeks ago my husband and I saw a small window of opportunity for the two of us to get away for the weekend. It was a little complicated as we still had activities and responsibilities at home that weekend. My husband coaches our youngest son's soccer team as well as his basketball team. There were two weekends between the soccer and basketball seasons that allowed for possible get-aways. Unfortunately, my older son's first ACT test was scheduled on the first weekend, and a very important birthday party was planned the following weekend. My husband and I also both teach Sunday school classes. We considered just staying home which would have been easier, but we decided to make it work FOR US.

My husband's father, Phil, father of 21, had recently passed away which had been somewhat shocking and extremely difficult. With church, work, schooling, sports, etc., we really hadn't had a chance to slow down, process, and be together. It was decided that David, our sixteen-year-old was on his own for the ACT. (We figured it was a trial run anyway, and there would be plenty of future opportunities for him to improve his score.) So, we packed our bags and headed to Pigeon Forge. No kids, no plans, just went. It was just the balm we needed.

What about the kids?? They stayed home. Yep, alone. Are you gasping? Some people do. Why did we feel that we could leave a sixteen- and an eleven-year-old at home while we went galavanting in Pigeon Forge? I guess there are several reasons, but the main one is that we needed time as a married couple to be together strengthening our marriage and healing from recent heartbreak. Another reason is that our kids are not unaccustomed to us leaving for a few days without them, and they have proven themselves capable and trustworthy. They realize that sometimes Dad and Mom have to get away and spend time together. WE realized that we needed to put everyone and everything else on hold while we attended to our God-created relationship. (All those things would surely be waiting for us when we got home!)


22 "Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. 24 But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything.

25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, 26 so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless. 28 So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; 29 for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, 30 because we are members of His body. 31 'For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and shall be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.' 32 This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church. 33 Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband." Eph. 5:22-33

In the end, marriage is a relationship which is created by God who makes two into one. Only God can do that! Let us not neglect, ignore, or attempt to divide this gift. When we deliberately prioritize, nourish, cherish, and feed our marriage, it naturally produces a happy and healthy relationship which flows into our parenting.

Let us show our children love by loving our God and loving our spouse.