Discipline with No Regrets!
How is your discipling/parenting going today?
It's certainly a daily struggle.
One day is up and another may be down.
I certainly hope that after reading a few of my posts that you don't think that my husband and I have all of the answers when it comes to discipling (parenting!) No way. We wrestle through with a lot of trial and error alongside prayer.
Love
When we think of love we think of kisses and hugs, smiles and warm embraces. Laughing and running and going neat places. (Like a Dr. Seuss book!) Love is all of these things, and our kids need them. They need loving parents who will have fun with them and snuggle them and pay attention to them and laugh at their jokes. Our children need our support and encouragement to try things and find out who they are meant to be. They need a safe place to fall when things don't work out.
All of these things are love. All these things and more connect us to our children. As parents we should care more about our children than anyone else in the entire world. They need that from us. They long for it. And I hope that we find this the easy part of love.
This is the hard part of love. We want all of the fuzzy love and none of the unpleasantries. We want to have our cake and eat it too. This is an unattainable wish. Without work, where is the reward?
We've all had something in our lives we've had to work for. It could be a job, a good grade, a race, a diet, anything. When we put effort, care, time, pain, and money into this "something," then the accomplishment is exhilarating- a mountaintop experience. To know that we pushed through, that we had it in us, and that we achieved the goal is a feeling that provides self-respect that cannot be duplicated. Just as the apostle Paul looked back, knowing the end was approaching, on all of his accomplishments saying,
7 "I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. 8 Finally, there is laid up for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will give to me on that Day, and not to me only but also to all who have loved His appearing." 2 Tim. 4:7-8
I can just sense what Paul is feeling. It's a feeling of, "I did it! It was hard fought, but the reward is worth it."
Discipline
It's certainly a daily struggle.
One day is up and another may be down.
I certainly hope that after reading a few of my posts that you don't think that my husband and I have all of the answers when it comes to discipling (parenting!) No way. We wrestle through with a lot of trial and error alongside prayer.
- I've wondered if I am doing it right.
- I've been weary of the task.
- I've failed and asked for forgiveness.
- But I, like you, always get back up because I love my children.
When we think of love we think of kisses and hugs, smiles and warm embraces. Laughing and running and going neat places. (Like a Dr. Seuss book!) Love is all of these things, and our kids need them. They need loving parents who will have fun with them and snuggle them and pay attention to them and laugh at their jokes. Our children need our support and encouragement to try things and find out who they are meant to be. They need a safe place to fall when things don't work out.
All of these things are love. All these things and more connect us to our children. As parents we should care more about our children than anyone else in the entire world. They need that from us. They long for it. And I hope that we find this the easy part of love.
- So what about the times that aren't so lovely?
- What about the temper tantrums?
- What about the defiance?
- The disobedience?
- The back talking?
This is the hard part of love. We want all of the fuzzy love and none of the unpleasantries. We want to have our cake and eat it too. This is an unattainable wish. Without work, where is the reward?
We've all had something in our lives we've had to work for. It could be a job, a good grade, a race, a diet, anything. When we put effort, care, time, pain, and money into this "something," then the accomplishment is exhilarating- a mountaintop experience. To know that we pushed through, that we had it in us, and that we achieved the goal is a feeling that provides self-respect that cannot be duplicated. Just as the apostle Paul looked back, knowing the end was approaching, on all of his accomplishments saying,
7 "I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. 8 Finally, there is laid up for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will give to me on that Day, and not to me only but also to all who have loved His appearing." 2 Tim. 4:7-8
I can just sense what Paul is feeling. It's a feeling of, "I did it! It was hard fought, but the reward is worth it."
Discipline
With this in mind, the "tough love" part makes sense. We are providing something wonderful for our children when we set standards (God's standards,) expect obedience, reprimand, and punish. We are pointing them toward their reward. These are Biblical principles given by God and employed throughout the Word.
If you are serious about discipline, (and I hope you are,) please read Dr. James Dobson's book The New Dare to Discipline. There is an incredible amount of parenting advice, reasons, and how to's on the subject. Here are a few words of wisdom from the book.
"If we want to see honesty, truthfulness, and unselfishness in our offspring, then these characteristics should be the conscious objectives of our early instructional process. If it is important to produce respectful, responsible young citizens, then we should set out to mold them accordingly The point is obvious: heredity does not equip a child with proper attitudes; children will learn what they are taught. . . Love in the absence of instruction will not produce a child with self-discipline, self-control, and respect for his fellow man. . . Respectful and responsible children result from families where the proper combination of love and discipline is present." Dr. James Dobson
The Marriage of Love and Discipline
This amazing combination of love and discipline is what makes it all work! Consider Paul's feelings regarding disciplinary words he had previously written to the Corinthians.
8"Even if I caused you sorrow by my letter, I do not regret it. Though I did regret it- I see that my letter hurt you, but only for a little while- 9 yet now I am happy, not because you were made sorry, but because your sorrow led you to repentance. For you became sorrowful as God intended and so were not harmed in any way by us. 10 Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death." 2 Cor. 7:8-10
Amazing! Paul's discipline led to sorrow which led to repentance. Godly sorrow leads to salvation and leaves NO REGRET! Praise the Lord!
I cringe to think that as I see my children grow up my failures as a parent will become obvious. Regrets- ain't nobody got time for that! Of course adult children have free will, and they will choose for themselves. But what a blessing to know that the discipline that I choose to implement now can lead to salvation which leaves NO REGRET.
But let's think about the sorrow of the Corinthians for a minute. They were sorrowful because they respected Paul. Paul loved them, and they cared about their relationship with him. Will an unloved child feel sorrowful and led to repent of something done against his parent? I can't imagine that he would. Why would he? He is not seeking a reunion in that relationship. And this, being a foundational relationship, will most likely tarnish all relationships that follow.
Love as well as discipline are needed for good discipleship.
Practical discipline (How to stop a temper tantrum)
So what about those temper tantrums I mentioned earlier?
What about the nuts and bolts of correction?
Believe it or not, I remember one time, a VERY LONG time ago, when I threw a temper tantrum right in the living room floor. I was probably 4-years-old at the time. I fell down (dramatically I'm sure) and started frantically pounding the floor. I have NO IDEA why. And do you know what my mother did? She walked out! What? Yep. She walked right out and went to the kitchen. I STILL remember feeling extremely foolish putting on such an Oscar-worthy demonstration with NO ONE to appreciate it.
The worst part was having to get up from the floor after realizing that no one cared. I remember following my mother into the kitchen and probably asking why she walked out. I don't remember her answer, but I never threw a temper tantrum again.
My mother didn't try to reason with me. She didn't try to coerce me to stop by bribing me with ice cream or candy. She DID NOT COUNT TO THREE. She simply exerted her authority by walking out. She won.
I love this quote by my mother-in-law to her defiant children: "Is there any doubt in your mind that I will win?" Although that's pretty funny, there really should be no doubt in a child's mind that they must obey their parents (in the Lord.) That's tough love.
Here are some techniques that my husband and I have used as rewards and punishments with our children:
This balance of love and discipline, THIS is what we strive to give our disciples. If we love with no discipline, we end up with juvenile delinquents who don't respect us. If we discipline with no love, we end up with bitter juvenile delinquents who don't respect us. The two must go hand in hand.
When we truly love our kids, and it is evident to them, then they will expect discipline when deserved and respect it when it is administered. It will lead to sorrow, which leads to repentance, which leads to salvation with no regrets! This is a beautiful promise that we can ask of our Father in the trenches of tough love.
If you are serious about discipline, (and I hope you are,) please read Dr. James Dobson's book The New Dare to Discipline. There is an incredible amount of parenting advice, reasons, and how to's on the subject. Here are a few words of wisdom from the book.
"If we want to see honesty, truthfulness, and unselfishness in our offspring, then these characteristics should be the conscious objectives of our early instructional process. If it is important to produce respectful, responsible young citizens, then we should set out to mold them accordingly The point is obvious: heredity does not equip a child with proper attitudes; children will learn what they are taught. . . Love in the absence of instruction will not produce a child with self-discipline, self-control, and respect for his fellow man. . . Respectful and responsible children result from families where the proper combination of love and discipline is present." Dr. James Dobson
The Marriage of Love and Discipline
This amazing combination of love and discipline is what makes it all work! Consider Paul's feelings regarding disciplinary words he had previously written to the Corinthians.
8"Even if I caused you sorrow by my letter, I do not regret it. Though I did regret it- I see that my letter hurt you, but only for a little while- 9 yet now I am happy, not because you were made sorry, but because your sorrow led you to repentance. For you became sorrowful as God intended and so were not harmed in any way by us. 10 Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death." 2 Cor. 7:8-10
Amazing! Paul's discipline led to sorrow which led to repentance. Godly sorrow leads to salvation and leaves NO REGRET! Praise the Lord!
I cringe to think that as I see my children grow up my failures as a parent will become obvious. Regrets- ain't nobody got time for that! Of course adult children have free will, and they will choose for themselves. But what a blessing to know that the discipline that I choose to implement now can lead to salvation which leaves NO REGRET.
But let's think about the sorrow of the Corinthians for a minute. They were sorrowful because they respected Paul. Paul loved them, and they cared about their relationship with him. Will an unloved child feel sorrowful and led to repent of something done against his parent? I can't imagine that he would. Why would he? He is not seeking a reunion in that relationship. And this, being a foundational relationship, will most likely tarnish all relationships that follow.
Love as well as discipline are needed for good discipleship.
Practical discipline (How to stop a temper tantrum)
So what about those temper tantrums I mentioned earlier?
What about the nuts and bolts of correction?
Believe it or not, I remember one time, a VERY LONG time ago, when I threw a temper tantrum right in the living room floor. I was probably 4-years-old at the time. I fell down (dramatically I'm sure) and started frantically pounding the floor. I have NO IDEA why. And do you know what my mother did? She walked out! What? Yep. She walked right out and went to the kitchen. I STILL remember feeling extremely foolish putting on such an Oscar-worthy demonstration with NO ONE to appreciate it.
The worst part was having to get up from the floor after realizing that no one cared. I remember following my mother into the kitchen and probably asking why she walked out. I don't remember her answer, but I never threw a temper tantrum again.
My mother didn't try to reason with me. She didn't try to coerce me to stop by bribing me with ice cream or candy. She DID NOT COUNT TO THREE. She simply exerted her authority by walking out. She won.
I love this quote by my mother-in-law to her defiant children: "Is there any doubt in your mind that I will win?" Although that's pretty funny, there really should be no doubt in a child's mind that they must obey their parents (in the Lord.) That's tough love.
Here are some techniques that my husband and I have used as rewards and punishments with our children:
- Room minutes- Our kids always wanted to stay up a little later than their bedtime. If they had been well-behaved that day, we would reward them with 10 extra "room minutes" before they had to get in bed. They could read, play with toys, listen to a CD, or whatever as long as it was quiet. They loved it! Sometimes on a weekend we would say, "If we don't hear you we might forget about you," meaning that if they weren't loud, picked on each other, or kept coming in to bother us, then they might get to stay up extra late. It was awesome. A win, win.
- Verbal praise- We would frequently have "family meetings" where we would be able to brag on each child in front of the entire family about something they had done or were doing well. (This is golden.)
- Spanking- Yep. We did it. I'm sure this will be a separate blog. It is a swift and decisive punishment that enables immediate resolution of conflicts. Children respect it when it is fair and deserved.
- Running laps- If I had a dime for every lap my kids have run around our house, I would be a millionaire! We still employ this method for several reasons: 1) they get too big to spank, 2) it's good for them, 3) everyone needs a timeout from each other, 4) they are tired and ready to listen when they come back in! YeeeeeHaaaaah. It's usually anywhere from 3-10 laps.
- Time out- Oh yes. As a relative once told his daughter, "Why don't you go upstairs and think about your sins?" This is really just a time to give everyone a break. If there is sibling conflict, everybody just needs to go sit on their beds, simmer down, and give Mamma's ears a rest. Afterwards, we can sort it out.
This balance of love and discipline, THIS is what we strive to give our disciples. If we love with no discipline, we end up with juvenile delinquents who don't respect us. If we discipline with no love, we end up with bitter juvenile delinquents who don't respect us. The two must go hand in hand.
When we truly love our kids, and it is evident to them, then they will expect discipline when deserved and respect it when it is administered. It will lead to sorrow, which leads to repentance, which leads to salvation with no regrets! This is a beautiful promise that we can ask of our Father in the trenches of tough love.
Comments
Post a Comment